(care)free

On cloudy days like this, I am always tempted to laze around, wallow in procrastination and neediness, and feel like everything is pointless. It’s a mood I escape to (fall into?) that threatens my drive for success, it challenges my sense of responsibility (towards work, friends, career planning) and leaves me in a big fat rut. I guess it is me being First- World spoiled, taking everything/everyone I have in my life for granted, teetering dangerously close to apathy and ignorance. It’s kind of startling to know that I am feeling this way while villages of people are going about their mundane, rural lives. How do I dare take all the opportunities I have with such carelessness? It’s so easy to allow myself some slack, though I feel generally pathetic and guilty when I do. Maybe what I need to learn is to feel okay about taking a day off to do nothing at all, to be as unproductive as I possibly can. Though to be okay with that just seems wrong to me.

I am falling into a slump. I need to pick myself up and send off my B.Ed application already so I feel like something is being processed.

I need to read something inspiring.

If I pause for a second from all my complaining, if I stop listing the annoying little things I have to do today but won’t because of my pathetic slump, then I can possibly appreciate the simplicity that is a worry-free, no-agenda Saturday. To remember what it was like eating a simple dinner beside kerosene lamps in rural Uganda, to remember the little beautiful moments spent with friends, with the man in my life, with my family. Like the conversation I had with my dad on the bus to Chinatown to buy some traditional foodstuff for Chinese new year’s, how simple and nondirectional it was, just me spending time with him. Remembering the depth of a little smile B and I shared in a random moment not shaped by context. Recalling that moment of intense excitement and joy when I realized my childhood best friend was in my university language course. I think I let too many of those moments slip by unappreciated, until I get to a point and day like this when I feel as if my life was boring and silly and pathetic. Though I guess the beauty of rutty days like this is that I feel proper appreciation for all those little moments I take for granted usually.

 

 

attraction

B: “I’m not a big go player, I’m a chess player.”
Me: “I need to watch you play chess some day if you’re so good, that’d actually be so attractive.” “Oh god, did I just say that out loud?”

 

disregard

Today I opened my old hotmail account since a very long time and realized with dread how many web accounts I’ve set up over the past 10 years ever since I learned how to set up accounts. There are so many web identities I have; there is so much of me in all those identities, all over the web. What a freakish thought.

I woke up around 2am to finish some homework for the Chinese course that I am taking for credits towards graduation and naturally around 4am I got distracted and started browsing through previous blog posts. I realized how much thought I put into every blog post, so much so that they revealed way too much of who I am. But I suppose that was the point. Anyway I tried to delete the post but didn’t because 1) I forgot the username/password to that blog and 2) it feels wrong to un-write something, just because you can’t just take words back like that, can you? Either way I should look into finding that username/password combo and disregard the latter reason in the name of my future professional profile.

I also need to change my legal name. Perhaps in May.

There are a lot of things I want to disregard from my past, because mistakes are embarrassing. Yet that is how I learned. All those silly immature versions of me have shaped who I am today: university graduate, communicative, loving daughter, loyal friend, faithful and trusting girlfriend. I am still making mistakes. Just learning not to broadcast them onto the web– I’ve learned from that mistake already.

It’s going to be a long, long, long day. Tomorrow is Saturday. I am going to sleep in until noon and read all afternoon and maybe even take a nap a few hours after I wake up.

 

reliability

It always strikes me funny that my father brings up people who were part of my childhood, and asks me how they are doing as if they are all still in my life. Even though I have amazing people in my life who have been there every step of my degree, my parents still remember the kids I grew up with in elementary school better than the names of those important people in my life now. I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because I let them be more involved in my life back then, and now they don’t know the people who I care about. This is definitely a sign that I should spend more time with them and introduce my friends to them– I shall add that to my new year’s resolution.

Childhood friendships were a lot more innocent and simpler. I think I’m lucky to have two close friends from back then, now (SL, PT). Both live in the States now, but even that hasn’t gotten in the way of us being there for each other and keeping in touch. I love that. Every new year, I reflect on the people I care about and love and it surprises me how many years has gone by in those truly meaningful friendships: ER, MW, KL, KZ, ML. They have been there always, without fail, year after year. They are people I see less than once a month, but who’re always on the same page as me when we do find time to meet up and catch up. They are people I want in my life well past college. I love them. There was never any doubt about that, or of our trust.

I am a very lucky, blessed girl, and I have so much to look forward to this year (and onwards). For that fact, I still say prayers of thanks.

resolution

This year, I resolve to listen to others: before I judge, or assume; to learn from their experiences; to understand and empathize. It will mean to be humble and to put others before myself. It will require some courage, as I confront my assumptions and hold back on quick judgements. But, it does not mean I am completely controlled or influenced by what other people think is right– it will simply be an exercise of respect and love for me. It will teach me to be patient, kind, and learn to exercise discernment. This way, I resolve to make my friendships more real, my relationship with B more meaningful and loving, and to work on maintaining a healthy relationship with my parents. There is much I need to learn from others.

A quote that my second grade teacher posted on her facebook status:

The greatest joy….Giving
The most satisfying work….Helping others
The greatest “shot in the arm”….Encouragement
The most effective sleeping pill….Peace of mind
The most powerful force in life….Love
The most power filled words….”I can”
The greatest asset….Faith
The most beautiful attire….A smile
The most prized possession….Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication….Prayer
The most contagious spirit….Enthusiasm

To my readers: may 2012 be full of love, laughter, and good memories to learn from and cherish. Happy new year!