life as it is

My holiday so far has been constant moving by public transit.. because we dont have a car nor do we have movers available before the 29th. Making do with what we have- such frustration. Last night for Christmas Eve dinner we ate on the floor; just now, I had milk and cereal.

I’ve watched movie after movie, trying to pass time by, while wondering if this was the vacation I looked forward to during the most stressful days of last term.. in a way, it is, simply because I don’t need to think about all the assignments due. However, the whole stress of moving is crazy and overwhelming.

Do you ever get those moments where you suddenly understand something you’ve never understood? Like when you understand why parents lie to children about Santa (to preserve the innocence of childhood for a bit longer), or when you finally know what it means to ‘feel’ something (first kiss, undescribable; true fatigue, unexplainable; and the ’stress’ of certain things, confusing but so totally frustrating).

Can’t say my bed is very comfortable- it is just a foam wrapped up in bed sheets. However, my room has become a lot more homier with my new curtains and duvet cover.. JYSK is so cheap

Hope to get a new camera tomorrow: http://www.bestbuy.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?sku_id=0926INGFS10129298&logon=&langid=EN# but who knows if we’ll get it.

Listening to old music is like seeing the contrast between the me then and me now.

Sometimes I don’t know what to write in my journal anymore.. but maybe it’s because things have gotten less and less significant as I start to learn to put things into perspective.

I almost forgot I have to work on Sunday again.

Happy holidays.

merry christmas everyone!!

Best wishes and blessings to a little lady,
This could disappoint so please be ready!
I wish you the best in moving your home,
Finally a place where you’re more free to roam!
And may presents opened be what you wished,
But then again, that may be childish.
Merry Christmas again, and many smiles this day,
I guess I’ve ran out of things to say!

THANK YOU WILLY; he is the best brother ever.

SHOUTOUT TO KAITLIN ZHANG for being the best sister,
and to EVGENIA RABINOVICH for also bring the best

and jerry, you know i love you.

disappointments

I hate the rain.
Cannot believe I had to wake up early just to lug out six bags by myself in the rain to the new apartment.
The excuse wasn’t even a good excuse.

I notice myself blanking out more and more because there’s just so much that I cannot accept, or question, or even begin to wonder about. It’s all so frustrating, and I find myself trying to absolve the conflicts by escaping through watching movies, reading books, going out. Somehow it affects my life still- today at work I crashed into a booktruck with a glass cup in my hand; it shattered into a thousand pieces and cut my hand.
When I was washing the pieces of glass away I spaced out yet again- it’s like even that couldn’t shake me out of whatever trance I’m in.

I want to run away somewhere more and more- to hide into something. Three years ago a friend told me that he had a shell, where all his frustration and anger was kept from interfering with his life. I never understood it, and thus I encouraged him to come out of it. I suppose I feel the need now to have a similar kind of shell. It must have taken so much to just drop it and let the bare naked frustration, stress, expectations, and pain show. I was so insensitive because I simply didn’t know.

Sometimes I want to start over. Everything, but not be so naive.

I can hear myself changing in my inner voice. Other times I just want to walk and walk and bus far far away.
Nobody can save me; I just want to swing higher, run farther, swim deeper. During those moments, the rain is almost a comfort, a wet hug from Nature. I’ve learned that the disappointments from myself have never really been my own disappointments. Those are just lessons to learn from, to understand who I am, to become an individual. But the disappointments from those I trust, are actual disappointments. It is because I trust them that I believe in them, and I rely on them. When they let me down not because I did anything wrong, that is a disappointment: an expectation worse than what I expected.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

INSOMNIA

makes me feel lonely

for the record

My exam percentage grades:
PSYCH 319- 30%
PSYCH 309- 50%
ENGL 221- 40%
ECON 310- 80%
SOCI 100- 10%

Things I’m scared of:
- being robbed, stolen from, mugged, shot
- the dark. suspense, horror movies
- my parents not being there for me, in my life
- a cheating boyfriend
- not having enough money
- being blind
- not having best friends when I’m 50

Stressors in my life:
- financial situations
- school and lack of major
- lost my ipod charger
- my bad hip

Right now:
- exams
- work and work shifts
- moving to ubc
- friendships

Last night I couldn’t sleep, as if I was on caffeine, except I was on my own produced epinephrine (or whatever the hormone/drug is) because I was so stressed about my exams my heart was literally pumping as if I was running..

Took me 3 hours to fall asleep. Yet, this morning I felt awake and fine, until after my English final when I was temporarily fine.. as if I relaxed for fifteen minutes. Then I was back to the pumping heart and stressful physical motivation.

I hate floaters. They distract my vision.
I need to lose weight.

14 months of love and complications and now it’s all back to normal and even better. Last month of 2009 everyone remember to tell your loved ones you care about them. BTW- watch Glee, it’s the most relaxing show ever..

a letter to my professor

So apparently on my paper for PSYCH 319 I got 49/100 for missing one point, and though I admit in retrospect that I missed the critical review, I really don’t appreciate how my TA responded. Anyway, here’s what’s been happening through emails.

Hi Jeremy,

I have read through your comments and I agree with most of them. However, for some parts where you note that I’m missing some parts or displacing my ideas in my argument, I’d like to have the chance to meet with you during your office hours to discuss and try to explain myself. This way I may understand what I didn’t have in my paper, while also allowing me to present my argument that I have covered the basic requirements (as listed in your workshop ppt slides) to at least pass this paper..

Since I have a 49% on this paper, and because some of the comments are unclear, I believe I can clarify the sections of my paper in relation to your requirements on the course syllabus and your workshop outline. Please let me know when is best to come in to briefly discuss my paper. I would appreciate it very much.

Sincerely,
Natasha Chia-En Chiang

–

Hi Natasha,

I do not have any more office hours for PSYC 319. Regardless, in a written piece of work, the author does not normally have an opportunity to clarify matters in person after the fact. The work should be a stand-alone document. If you wish to discuss the matter further, I suggest that you contact Dr. Walker directly.

JEremy

—

Dear Professor Walker,

Apparently there are no more TA office hours since class has ended. That is surprising since most other courses have TA availability to review the paper feedbacks and/or to assist students until the final exam. My mark on my paper was extremely low, and I would have liked to meet with Jeremy because most of the comments were short and vague.

I spent a lot of time researching and preparing for my essay, and while I may have failed to critique the study we were to analyse, I feel like there must have been more mistakes in my essay that made it such a bad paper.. I know it was more review and overview than critique, but I believe I should have at least passed the paper (my mark was 49%, while many of my classmates got high B’s and low A’s though I only missed a few points compared to theirs). This allows me to assume that there were much bigger problems with my paper, though they were unclear from the comments Jeremy made on my paper.

I hope I can set up an appointment to speak with either you or Jeremy about my paper (my mark was 49%) to understand where I should improve in for my future classes.

Please understand my concern. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Natasha Chia-En Chiang

—

Hi Natasha ~

I appreciate your concern about your poor performance on the term paper.  I am encouraged that you want to do well in the course and hope that in the end you will pull off a good result on the final exam.

I appreciate your concern about your poor performance on the term paper.  I am encouraged that you want to do well in the course and hope that in the end you will pull off a good result on the final exam.

I do not quite understand your complaint about office hours.  Both Jeremy and I have held regular office hours each week up until the final exam.  We both have been fully available and have even met with many students outside of office hours.  I’m not sure what more assistance we can provide.

I have carefully reviewed the grading of your term paper.  Jeremy’s comments on your paper were neither short nor vague.  He provided a total of 18 separate comments which were extensive, appropriate, and in accord with the criteria we provided for writing the paper.  His comments included correction of misinformation, noting problems in the organization of your paper and the logical progression of your arguments, challenging your interpretation of the findings, identifying problems in your description of the research study, noting the absence of any critical evaluation of the article you reviewed, and noting the almost complete absence of the third section of the paper which should have provided a discussion of the implications of the findings for the children of the Taliban.  Note that the important parts of your paper which should have involved creative and critical thought on your paper were deficient.

In relation to the criteria we clearly provided and the performance of other students, your paper was evaluated fairly, perhaps somewhat generously.  I am sorry that you didn’t do better, but trust that the ample feedback we both have now provided will help you in your further studies.

I wish you well in your reviewing for the final exam, and will see you on Tuesday.  Good luck.

Best,
Dr. Larry Walker
UBC Psychology
—

Dear Professor Walker,

I was informed by Jeremy that his office hours were over at this point. Our final exam is not until next Tuesday, and I had hoped to bring in my paper to review. Regardless, I accept his and your critique of my paper, and I now understand that I have missed critical points. I would just like to point out that it would have been much more helpful to discuss how and what I should have focused on in the ‘third section’, (since most of the feedback I have gotten just indicates that I’m missing a discussion). Because I ‘missed’ this section, I do not know what was required of the discussion analysis. I am only in second year, and this is my first paper analyzing a study such as the one we had to do this semester. I would really appreciate it if you could outline a few points in what Jeremy may have been looking for in that section, so that I know what to look for in my future PSYC courses.

Still, I respectfully oppose the fact of Jeremy’s refusal to meet with me to discuss my paper and its shortcomings, based on his comment that my paper should have been a “stand-alone document”. I realize that my assignment was not on par with his standards, though I feel as if this should only encourage discussion to clarify what I failed to understand/promote in my essay. I did not expect this assignment to be so rigid that further discussion was discouraged after the paper was returned. In most of my other classes I would like to point out that the TA usually provides office hours to discuss the paper and our concerns. On that note, I also recognize that he must be extremely busy in his research and I respect that as well. This is just a point of personal improvement that may benefit students who might have a similar difficulty in writing the paper as I did.

Thank you for responding to my email and allowing me to voice my opinion on my marked paper. This class has been an insightful course in this semester. I have learned a lot in the class and have been encouraged to pursue my interests in early education and psychology. I admire that you have made a great effort to get to know our names, and I’m glad you encouraged much discussion in class.

See you at the exam, and have a great holiday season!

Sincerely,

Natasha Chia-En Chiang

–

Hi again, Natasha:

Don’t we have better things to do than exchanging emails on a Friday evening?  Anyway, here’s an excerpt from the course outline that explains what was expected in the third section of the paper:  “The third section of your paper should discuss the relationship between the research paper and the situation in Asia.  This will require you to use both creative and critical thought.  You should explore both what we can learn about children of the Taliban from the study, but also what we cannot.”  I expanded on this in class on a couple of occasions, as did Jeremy.  What we were looking for was some grappling with the implications of the findings of the research study and discussing how that research might “translate” into the situation confronting children of the Taliban.

This course is intended for upper-level students and you perhaps did yourself a disservice by taking it prematurely.  Ideally, you would have taken Psyc 218 (Research Methods) first.  That certainly would have been helpful in getting you to think critically about research studies.

I am sorry that Jeremy does not have any more office hours.  The TA union does not permit him to work without being paid and he has more than worked his allotted time.  I cannot legally or ethically demand any more of him.  He has already delivered much more than is reasonable under the circumstances.  He has held regular office hours each week, taught a couple of classes (on the situation in Asia and also on writing strategies), graded the midterm exam, spent the last couple of weeks grading the term papers (almost full-time), and now he has the final exams of 80 students to handle next week.  He has provided extensive feedback on every student’s term paper, but the large classes and limited resources provided by the university simply mean that he cannot meet with many students outside of his designated office hours.  I hope you can appreciate that he’s striving to provide a transformative educational experience for students (and is effective in doing that), but simply can’t be available on demand.

Thanks for your understanding of the costraints with which we must frustratingly contend.  It would be quite different if we had class sizes of 25-30.

note: my professor definitely has tenure since he’s the only professor who teaches this course. the TA’s done years of research with him.

moral: there is no point in arguing, but I suppose I just wanted to get my voice heard. I’m pretty disappointed with the feedback I got.. I guess this is just one course where there is little help :/

music from the heart

Today I felt really crappy because it was one of those slow days that just stress me out. One of those days where all I want to do is go home, write in my journal, eat ice cream, and scream to a song. It’s another one of those days where I write up a huge to-do list as an attempt to motivate and push myself to finish things I’m supposed to… such as studying for my four finals next week.

I can’t believe it’s already December 2009! I can’t wait until the new year. My family and I are moving to a new apartment on campus,and it’s a lot bigger than what we’ve lived in for the past ten years. I’m really reallly excited. So much so that I’ve been doing nothing but read online interior design blogs and browse Ikea.ca.

So like any one of those days something comes up and I’m totally thrown off track by a crazy epiphany that just makes me think for the rest of the day and want to do all the above that I wanted to do in the first place.

I ended up going to White Spot for dinner with Jerry and coming home to write a song and play my piano since the first time in.. half a year. My voice sounded so hidden and soft and it felt like I was truly singing out my emotions through music as I improvised on the piano.. I love my petrof grand.

So at 8:25pm Leah calls me up (the girl across the street who was in my PSYCH 309 8am class) and we ended up just barely making it time to catch New Moon at Oakridge. Did you know it’s 50% on Tuesdays? So we get in just on time, right after the commercials- I literally ran there in 2 minutes. I’m going to miss being so close to everything.. my new apartment is sort of really really isolated, like in those old seniors retirement living places. It’s quiet and really serene, though.

I’m not sure if I feel better or worse, but it is a new day (12:05AM), and there are only 30 more days of this year left to mope. So goodnight, readers, until my exams are over (19th), and probably until I’m moved and settled in my new apartment (20th).

Oh yeah I posted tutoring services on craigslist, to try it out. I wonder if I’ll get students, I really need the extra cash. I’m already working two shifts at Oakridge, and teaching a gr.6 boy. Anyways here it is, spread it!

MATH, SCIENCE, ENGLISH: http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/van/lss/1491078959.html

BEGINNER PIANO: http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/van/lss/1491075978.html

And if there’s any discrepancy in my marks and you were in my class, DONT HATE, it was 2 years ago..

professional and presentable

After this term of catching up and pulling up my marks, I also plan to start attending conferences and being more involved next term. Here’s the official website where I’ll update everything I do at UBC.

http://natashachiang.weebly.com

 

 

sunny pay days

I almost forgot how much I love sunny days.

It still strikes me as amazing how social networking sites work- how we can share what’s going on around the world in 140 words, to connect with friends of friends of friends, and to attend events with other people of similar interest.

The apartment on Eagles Dr. at UBC is a most likely shot! So excited..

I’m in a really really good mood today It’s going to be my lucky day~

the man on the bus

I admire that man on the bus, who’s always on the bus at 7:30AM, who thinks that he’s the marshal of the bus, that it’s his job to greet everyone who comes onto the bus, his position to direct everyone to follow the ‘rules of the bus’. He’s a bit weird because he’s loud, rude, but kind at the same time. He’s innocent to the ways of the society, so much so that he believes in the idea that he’s important in everyone’s lives.

In a way, he’s important in my daily routine because I see a man who is free, and he is an inspiration in a way. Nobody ever tells him to shut up because of the goodness left in each person’s heart. Would you rather be him and be ignorant, or be just like everyone else, conscious of every move you make in society?

Ignorance is bliss.

This is a challenge to myself not to be afraid of being who I am. Good morning world