January 28, 2012 (care)free
On cloudy days like this, I am always tempted to laze around, wallow in procrastination and neediness, and feel like everything is pointless. It’s a mood I escape to (fall into?) that threatens my drive for success, it challenges my sense of responsibility (towards work, friends, career planning) and leaves me in a big fat rut. I guess it is me being First- World spoiled, taking everything/everyone I have in my life for granted, teetering dangerously close to apathy and ignorance. It’s kind of startling to know that I am feeling this way while villages of people are going about their mundane, rural lives. How do I dare take all the opportunities I have with such carelessness? It’s so easy to allow myself some slack, though I feel generally pathetic and guilty when I do. Maybe what I need to learn is to feel okay about taking a day off to do nothing at all, to be as unproductive as I possibly can. Though to be okay with that just seems wrong to me.
I am falling into a slump. I need to pick myself up and send off my B.Ed application already so I feel like something is being processed.
I need to read something inspiring.
If I pause for a second from all my complaining, if I stop listing the annoying little things I have to do today but won’t because of my pathetic slump, then I can possibly appreciate the simplicity that is a worry-free, no-agenda Saturday. To remember what it was like eating a simple dinner beside kerosene lamps in rural Uganda, to remember the little beautiful moments spent with friends, with the man in my life, with my family. Like the conversation I had with my dad on the bus to Chinatown to buy some traditional foodstuff for Chinese new year’s, how simple and nondirectional it was, just me spending time with him. Remembering the depth of a little smile B and I shared in a random moment not shaped by context. Recalling that moment of intense excitement and joy when I realized my childhood best friend was in my university language course. I think I let too many of those moments slip by unappreciated, until I get to a point and day like this when I feel as if my life was boring and silly and pathetic. Though I guess the beauty of rutty days like this is that I feel proper appreciation for all those little moments I take for granted usually.
Tags: appreciation, carefree, friendships, life, love, stillness
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